My Reply…

I received a message from Bry last Thursday… it was a long message! He said he’s sorry for what he did… he’s trying to search for me daw sa internet just to convey this message to me… Yes, i admit, I cried while reading it! However, it doesnt mean that I still love him. I cried because it’s the first time na nagsorry sya, after so many years! I cried because through that letter pinaalala na naman nya sa akin lahat lahat ng sakit na naramdaman ko that time… kung gaano ko kinaawaan yung sarili ko nun dhil wala na akong ganang mabuhay pa! I cried because pina-remind nya sakin kung bakit until now I’m finding it so difficult to trust guys! To forgivehim? I still dont know…

Yes, after him I dated Al (naging kami ba? di ko kinoconsider kc days lang naging kami mula nung inannounced namin sa public) and I know that Al never loved me.. he loves Sandy! That’s why it’s not difficult for me to give his freedom. By the way, Al and I met March with our friends, hehe d sya makatingin ng diretso sakin, he said naguguilty sya, well sorry sya dahil ako I can look at him…

Everything happens for a reason… kung hindi siguro kami naghiwalay ni Bry at mabuti na lang di nagwork out ung samin ni Al,  siguro hindi ako mkkpunta ng Singapore! Siguro dko mameet yung soulmate ko… we’re not yet together but I hope, pray and I believe that he is indeed my soulmate! Im not sure if he also feels the same, that’s why I’m praying na soon he will look my way… I’ll wait for that day… I’ll wait for him! His family,relatives and friends really like me and they said they can feel kami nga magkakatuluyan! syempre happy ako but tinatago ko syempre un sa ibang tao not until he finally realizes that the girl that he’s waiting for too long… is ME! I want him to realize that… I will not force him.. if ever na hindi kami? hmm.. kukulitin ko ng kukulitin si God until ibigay nya ung only wish ko hehehe! Someday, I’ll be his wife.. someday… you’ll see… ;P

Like a Roller Coaster

March…

Time is fast approaching… I really hate this feeling… as if I have a cancer and my life will soon come to an end… on April 10! That’s exactly how I feel. I don’t wanna go. Please give me a reason to stay. Please say “Mary, please stay with me… please don’t leave… I need you badly!” But it seems it’s okay with him if I go. Whenever I asked him if he’ll gonna wait for me, he can’t promise anything… and it saddens me. Since he wants me to go, all I wanna hear from him is that he’ll be willing to wait for my return.. and then, I’ll be fine.

This is indeed a rollercoaster ride! We went to Puerto Galera and we enjoyed quality time together. Then, we joined team building at Morong, Bataan and there I heard a lot of times from him how much he loves me (super kinikilig kaya ako nun). We talked and agreed that we’re officially together February 27th 2010… andthe affection we have for each other was witnessed by our team mates and friends!

But then, today… there he was at the hospital… with Sandy… taking good care of her. He said sinumpong daw ng sakit ng tyan si Sandy and he rushed her to the hospital. Yup! Somewhat, I am jealous and I envy her because until now, she still has his attention. Wala naman ako magagawa. I don’t wanna tie him. He can go wherever he wants to go; he can meet whoever he would like to meet. Myheart melts everytime he laughs.. everytime I see his big smiles.  Yes, I am happy whenever he’s happy! Freedom, I could also give him… if that would make him happy!

Health Concerns

I’m so excited for the swimming next Saturday (Feb 20). Al and I reserved a room for Bluewater Lodge in Puerto Galera. He promised whatever happens, tuloy na tuloy daw yun (he almost would like to cancel it kasi Sandy is borrowing money from him..may sakit daw si Sandy and requires checkups). In fact, Al went to the hospital right now to see if she’s okay pati hinahanap dw sya ni Sandy. Well, I thought this will be our pre-Valentines celebration but when I asked him what are his plans for today, he just smiled and admitted that he needs to be with Sandy’s side today. That’s fine with me! I told you I’m the most understanding person you’ll ever met.  We had our “brunch” na lang at McDo.

For my health naman, hindi na on and off lagnat ko…nalipat ata kay Al yung sakit ko since sya naman yung gnun (well, I always gave him Vitamin K and may bonus pa na Vitamin H hehe). Though, I feel better it doesnt mean na I don’t have to take antibiotic. Kelangan pa daw yun.. bumabalik na naman UTI ko, I need medications for 7 days and after that, I need to go back and take Urinalysis test again and ofcourse CBC since on my previous findings mas marami White Blood cells ko kesa Red blood cells. Kinuha na rn pala namin yung result ng ECG ko and it’s within normal range. Siguro pagbalik ko sa doctor ko papa-interpret ko pa rn yun para malaman namin if I need to do a lot of tests pa since my second doctor also claims na I have an abnormal heartbeat (masyado daw talaga mabilis).

My Checkup

I was surprised when my Samsung phone beeps early this morning (5:05 am) , “goodmorning” he said. I immediately replied. Told him about my plan to have a checkup since on and off ang lagnat ko and it’s been more than 2 weeks. He offered himself to accompany me. Wow, oo agad ako! hehe!

We met at Trinoma Starbucks 9 am. He looks so charming with his white shirt… naka-white din ako (hindi kami nagusap dun ah). And his hair? it’s so perfect! Hindi ako bolera… bihira lang ako magbigay ng compliment sa kanya kaya when I said he looks perfect, i really mean it!

“Ms. Lopez”, the doctor called my name. I entered the room and described how I feel. The doctor asked me a lot of questions and she stood up and checked my heartbeat. She stopped and asked me, “pagod ka ba?” I said no. She listened again.  A little shock on her face, she then asked “nagpapalpitate ka?” “Opo… minsan but umiinom agad ko Celebrex pag inatake” The doctor then informed me na masyadong mabilis heartbeat ko then wrote something on her notes, doctor’s codes which I dont understand (but sabi ni Mama pang thyroid test daw yun).  X-ray, Urinalysis, CBC, then codes… Ung CBC and Urinalysis nakuha ko na. Sabi naman ni Al normal lang daw yung result (nagnursing din kasi sya)… kulang lang daw ko sa Vitamin K (Vitamin Kiss) hehehe I admit kinilig ako dun! Yung Xray tomorrow babalikan and then yung iba after 4 days pa!

Basta, I am happy today! Kasi ngspend ng time sa akin si Al pati effort na rn para lang samahan ako magpacheckup. Wla… naappreciate ko lang yun ng sobra-sobra! However, April is fast approaching… I dont wanna leave na but I have to. Although Al can’t promise me anything coz we really never know what will gonna happen, I do hope he could wait for me… coz I will!

Paninindigan

When I woke up this morning, I immediately greeted him goodmorning… no response from him. Okay. Maybe he’s still sleeping. Then I tried to call him around 10 am, i guess… phone kept on ringing. Around 11am, I tried my luck again, called him but no answer. I sent him my last message: “psst.. 2log ka pa?” and then I stopped bugging him. Ayoko kasi ipilit na sarili ko at baka mainis pa sa akin yung tao pag makulit. Just locked myself inside my room and tried to sleep (but still hoping to receive even just one text from him).

Around 5 pm, finally a text from him! Cant describe how happy I am! Nangungumusta. He said puro 2log dw gnawa nya today. He kept on apologizing. Well, that’s fine… atleast I know he is okay, importante naalala nya ako di ba? Kuntento na ako dun.

Kinuwento din nya yung nangyari during the BBQ bonding… about dun sa pinag-usapan nila ni Sandy. Sandy really wants him back! But sinunod nya daw advice ko. I adviced him ksi na kung ano man nararamdaman nya at desisyon nya dapat may paninindigan sya! He told Sandy na friends na muna sila and even admitted to her that he really likes me.

Well, that’s enough for now. Can’t see the logic of rushing things… so, chill…

Barbeque

February 05 was a very happy day for Al and I… di na namin itinago kung ano man nararamdaman nmn sa isat-isa… yup what I feel is no more a “like” thing… I am officially falling for him!

February 6, during shift Al can’t hide how happy he was. He even invited everyone to come to his place and have a barbeque bonding. dami nagtaka, sbi p nga ni Norz: “Why Al sinagot ka na ba ni MJ?”

And so, we went to his place.. happy na sana until Sandy came and everyone were surprised. Finally, face to face with “Someday”! She’s pretty but she doesnt looked like comfortable dahil lagi nya inaayos hair nya. We really thought mabilis lang sya aalis but di talaga sya umalis hanggat di kami umaalis.

How do I feel? Call me a hypocrite if I tell you I am okay. Of course I felt jealous… well a bit! But I am deeply hurt! Feeling ko kasi lahat ng mahal ko nawawala sa akin.. I know to the fact na one day, he really needs to choose. Until now, I can feel he loves her and I am a big loser again (as usual). Whatever his decision will be, I’ll respect it.

No more crying baby! I am a tough cookie!Although how difficult my life is, I am trying to survive! I need to… for my soulmate!

Do You Like Me?

Soulmate,

You know what? I am really happy when I’m with Al… Super nag-aalala ko nung d sya pumasok nung Jan.28 and di sya ngttxtbk man lang. But when I received a text from him saying he’s okay, nakahinga ako ng maluwag… I care for him so much, to be honest with you! Si Mama at Papa araw2x na akong pinapagalitan dhil lagi akong late umuwi, halos wla nrw ko tulog…they knew lagi kong ksama si Al.. and maybe natatakot na rn sila na baka one day pagsawaan nlng nya mukha ko dahil araw2x na kmi magkasama!

What can I do? I am happy this way!

We first watched Cirque du Freak:The Vampire’s assistant, coz he knows I’m obsessed with vampire stories hehehe. I know he’s tired and sleepy but ayaw nya lang ipahalata sa akin. With that, I appreciate his effort. After the movie, we went to Starbucks (Trinoma garden), pinipilit ko syang itanong yung sbi nyang gustong itanong sa akin during our shift but sbi nya later nlng dw sa dinner. I let him smoke again… and I can see he’s happy! 

Dinner time, we went to Gerry’s Grill. While waiting for the food to be served, I forced him to ask me his question. Kinakabahan daw sya but then napilit ko pa rn (nyahaha). He said: “Do you like me?” I smiled (hmmm medyo laugh nrn yun coz he’s also laughing, he cant believe himself dw asking that kind of question). I said, “Yup!” Then he asked:”Why?” I enumerated all his negative sides. He laughed,”why lahat yata negative?” I looked at him and answered: “lahat kasi ng lalake pag pumuporma, ipinapakita lang puro positives nila. Ayoko ng gnon! I also wanna see their negatives! Eh ikaw since we started as friends… nakita ko na lahat ng weaknesses mo and I accepted it. I never expected this to happen kasi pagod na akong magmahal at magtiwala and all I want before is yung bestfriend na lalake. But then mas nakilala kita…” (wow sobrang cheesy! but ayun ang nararamdaman ko tlga…)

However, I’m also open to the fact na there’s a big possibility na magkabalikan sila ni Sandy coz he still loves her and super effort etong si girlalooh! With that, I’m also ready! All I wanted is his happiness… though it means I need to sacrifice my own happiness…

The Dinner Bonding

When I woke up this morning, I’m not feeling well: my body’s aching… may sinat ako! Maybe bumigay na yung katawan ko sa sobrang pagod… maybe I just need some rest.

After shift, Al and I decided to have some quality time together. We went to Trinoma, naglibot libot lang, kwento ng kung ano anong bagay. We watched “Legion”, it’s a great movie although the acting was poor. After the movie, we stayed dun sa pwede syang magyosi and we had fun criticizing people hehehe.

Fast forward….

6:00pm, we went to Padis Point to have dinner.  He’s so quiet… looking into his eyes, I know there’s something that he would like to tell me. I asked him if he has a question for me or if he would like to share anything. He said nothing, so I started to ask “nung hinawakan mo kamay ko nung andun tyo sa bahay mo, what does it mean?” He answered, “I really want to hold your hand” I asked him if he got offended with my initial reaction (”ang sabi ko paputukin mo kamay ko hndi hawakan!”), after ko kasi sabihin yun bgla nya inalis kamay nya. How I wish dko na lang yun sinabi… sana pinabayaan ko nlng sya. OMG! Stop with that thought!

 Then he said, “If you’re gonna ask me if I like you, YES!” But he’s trying to hold back daw coz there are lots of complications… our exs baggage. Laging nkabakod si Vic sa akin, kilala sya ni Vic and trusted him. And then, ayaw dw nya ako paasahin dhil he’s not sure if he still loves his ex, Sandy. I’m already expecting that… and I understand. Kakabreak lang nila ng ex nya and I can feel he’s still hurting!

Well, If you’re also gonna ask me, my answer is YES! However, I am wiser now… an open mind! Mas understanding na ako ngayon… I understand a lot of things!  I don’t wanna rush things. If he’s my destiny then let everything happens for what is destined to happen.

One thing for sure though, I want him to be happy! His happiness is also my happiness though at times his happiness may also be my loneliness.

My Bestfriend

Yes, I could say that I totally moved on from the heartbreak my ex caused me! Makasalubong ko man sya sa mall, I can face him with my head up high… no more pain! Thanks to my friends  and support from my family!

After shift, Rommel, Al, Norz and I had a breakfast at SM North. 1pm when we finished our food and call it a day… but Al and I decided to stay and watched movie (Sherlock Holmes)… uhmmm the movie was funny but dko type! Then, 7:00 we went straight to Paddis Point, had a chat.. and then he said he’s wondering we were not attracted to each other although many people said we looked good together, we jive and understands each other. I cant answer that question either! Im not closing my door to anyone especially to him since I knew him so well… he’s my bestfriend! I made him promise that no matter what happens in the future, we still have each other… i dont wanna lose him!

Before I went to bed, I received a text from Al saying he cant promise that he’s not gonna fall inlove with me. I realized I am indeed smiling while I was reading his message! Will it be possible that my bestfriend can also be my destiny? Is he the one I am waiting for…  my SOULMATE?! 

That’s it!

Soulmate,

 I think I am now giving up… can’t find you… maybe you’re just a fantasy… my illusion! Maybe I’m really destined to be single. 

I tried to open my heart… to trust again. Men usually show how much they like you and how sincere they were but when I’m already falling no one dares to catch me! And this keeps on hurting me over and over again!

I am not in a hurry though, not really. I’m just quite disappointed… with myself! What’s wrong with me? Why I cant find my right match?

My cousin’s wedding

Yesterday, my family attended my cousin’s wedding in Antipolo (ninang si Mama and ako naman secondary sponsor,veil). Everybody commented that I really looked good especially because of my hair and make-up… sosyal daw ang dating ko at natalbugan ko pa ang bride (thank you, Reyes Haircutters! hehehe).

The event went pretty well. Haayy inggit ako sa bride… she’s so lucky she found my cousin Andy who is so inlove with her (sa lagkit ba naman ng tingin ng cousin ko kahapon sa kanya hehehe). How I wish I could also find my right match!Someone who also can’t take his eyes off me! =)

The reception? Super daming pagkain, dming natira! Bride’s bouquet? Hehehe this time I’m not the next bride! Tita Baby said “nandaya ka naman eh hndi ka naman umikot na, binakuran mo na yung lalake!” Wahahaha! Eh talagang gnun, ayoko na makakuha ng bouquet eh! Naging trip to Jerusalem kasi ang ngyari… the next groom (yung nakakuha ng garter) was sitted at the middle, surrounded by the fairest single ladies; and as the music stops, whoever na kumandong sa kanya will be safe and the last person standing will be the next bride!

P.S. in fairness cute yung kapartner ko sa veil but he’s already taken (he’s with his girlfriend)! Haha! I heard kasi na naguusap sila ng isa pang abay na nagseselos nga daw yung gf nya at ayaw na syang palakarin na kasama ako… kaya when the host of the reception introduced us, panay pang-aasar ko sa partner ko hahahaha!

Poker face

Al approached my station this morning while I was busy finishing the task my supervisor gave me.  I was surprised when hearing Al’s comment: “You’re sad!” “Sad? Pano mo naman nasabi na I’m sad? I am happy!” I answered. “Nope, I know you, MJ. You’re trying to look happy but deep inside you are sad… it shows in your eyes!” I just smiled at him.

I don’t know how Al sensed it. Sumasama na ako sa mga gimik ng mga friends ko, I enjoyed their company so much. We went to San Juan, Batangas and just recently we went to party at Manor, Eastwood… and to tell you that I really had a great time! A lot of men still adored me and wanted to be with me but I’m not looking for someone new. Yet, Al is right! Despite of these smiles, I am a sad soul! I don’t know… as if something is missing… and I’m not sure what it is…

Drinking Session

Just arrived home. We had a team breakfast this morning (which also came to be Mitch’s farewell party since on Monday she will be transferred to GBM account). Had some pictures taken and so proud that I still look good (hindi sa pagbubuhat ng bangko ah). After the team breakfast, 6 of us (Norz, CJ, Rommel, Al, Mikee, and I) went straight to CJ and Mikee’s house to have some drinking session (though I don’t really drink). Wala lang bonding moments lang, having some good laughs, hearing some chickas which I havent heard before and listening to their debates about love and sex (hehe). True enough those guys are liberated and so open to their sex life! At first, I got cultured shock… syempre dko sanay ng gnung usapan… but get used to it and find myself also laughing!

At around 5 pm, we decided to go home (we even planned to go straight to a bar to have some dance party but then since we’re all tired and sleepy we decided not to pursue it). Hinatid ako ni Rommel hanggang 711 lang since ayoko pahatid hanggang bahay (ayoko na rin kasi masanay na may naghahatid sundo sakin eh… at ayoko na rin na masanay na may makitang kotse sa harap ng gate namin… mahirap masanay dahil ayoko na masaktan!)

P.S. Al even texted me commanding me to text him once I got home (hahaha walang tiwala kay Rommel?!) 

Coffee Bonding

Waaah! I only got 2 sales for last night’s shift huhuhu super baba na ng stats ko nito! Hopefully this coming November mabalik ko na yung pagiging top seller ko sa process or else matatanggal ako huhuhu!

Anyway, on the lighter side, Soulmate, don’t be jealous ha? I accepted Mark Seijo’s invitation to have coffee knina before my shift. Actually super tagal na nya ako inaaya but since I respect my bf by that time he always received a big NO from me! Don’t worry, nagcoffee lang naman kmi sa Figaro and that’s it! I said yes to his invitation not because I am searching for a new bf… he’s my friend and matagal na pingsamahan nmn sa HFCA before he resigned. I promised I’ll be honest to you right? Well… super tagal nya na akong pinopormahan and until now he never stopped (he’s happy pa nga na nagkahiwalay kmi ni ex eh). Eventhough I had a boyfriend then, he’s willing to be my number two or number three or even the least person in my life. He’s insane, yes! Sinisisi pa nya ako dahil ang tagal ko raw nagpakita… banat ko naman sa kanya, why agad sya lumandi ayan tuloy namiss nya isang tulad ko (hahaha). I was hired Oct 2007 and he was in Jan 2008. According to him, the first time he saw me (sa Discovery bldg pa yun) he fell inlove with me agad but then he just got married Dec 2007. 

So ayun, there’s no reason for you to be jealous since hindi ko naman sya papatulan. I’ve been in that situation before and have no plans of going back to that same scenario. I want a man whom I could call mine… just MINE! 

To my Soulmate

From now on, I am going to address every writings and blogs into your name. I may not know you and you may not know me (not yet, but someday I wish our paths will meet) but I’ll tell you every happenings in my life (it maybe sad, happy, scary or what) while we’re still completely strangers so that if ever fate bring us together, you’ll know my story!

You know what? I am happy that I survived! I almost gone crazy…felt so hopeless. Thanks to my family’s support and care, here I am, a tougher MJ! I cut my hair short (well not so short, at least shoulder length) and I could say that my body became curvier (whew I lost my big tummy!) I am now trying to bring back my appetite para hndi naman msyadong pumayat. Kanina, dami ngsabi that I look great and sexy!

Hayy kelan kaya kita makikilala? Sana malapit na…

My cousin’s offer

I had a chance to chat (via yahoo messenger) with my cousin Andy who’s in Singapore. Matagal nya na ako hina-hunting eh di nya ako matyempuhan hehe. He’s assigning me to be 1 of the abays on his wedding this coming Nov.21st sa Rizal. Biglaan lang so kelangan irush ung body measurement ko.

Then, he opened the abroad topic again. He always offers me to work in Singapore but since hindi ko maiwan-iwan nun si Brianne, i always turned down his offer. Now, that I am single and still has no plans of replacing my ex or even look for someone better (not because I’m still hoping that we will be in each other arms again someday but because I find it hard for me to trust men now…maybe I was traumatized, feeling ko lahat ng lalake iiwanan at lolokohin lang ako), I accepted his offer for me to stay with them and hopefully find a job in Singapore. He will check if there would be a cheaper airfare for February flight para mapa-book na raw nila ako. The only problem would be Jenny is also planning to go there by September… eh wlang maiiwan na mag-aalaga kina Mama at Papa.  =(

Blank Mind

I’m not sure if I made a right decision… I’m not sure if I’m doin the right thing… I just deleted Brianne sa list of friends ko sa friendster and even facebook. Though it’s hard (kasi gusto ko may communication pa rin kmi), but kasi I know masasaktan lang ako lalo if ever may makita akong iba na kasama nya dun sa accounts nya. Hindi ko siguro yun makakaya! Pati I can feel na the chance of him returning to me is near to impossible. Sya na kasi yung gusto umiwas. I’ve done evrything I can to keep him but isinusuka na nga nya ako eh, so ipagsisiksikan ko pa ba sarili ko sa kanya? If he really wants to return, whatever it takes gagawa sya ng way di ba?

Panakip-Butas

From the world of uncertanties, I entered into his life… he forgot about his pain and sorrows… I put a smile on his face once again.

He said he “wondered how my life will be without you… holding your arms and not letting you go ever, ’cause in my heart it screams so loud, calling your name, begging…” this is the actual words he used when he gave me his first and last letter during our 5th monthsary!

But now, I can see clearly, what my real role in his life… panakip butas lang ako! Yes, I made him happy… for a moment… and that’s it! And when he felt he no longer needs me, parang basahang itinapon! Maybe he really fell inlove with Rena… forgetting about his promises for me…forgetting me…

Yes, I saved him once in his life… when he was still miserable when his ex left him. And now, he left me without any clue if he will return or not… I am now in the world of uncertainties… feeling down and miserable… feeling so helpless… will someone come and save me?

My Heartbreaks

I woke up this morning, crying again. Hayy… I think matatagalan bago ko tuluyang makarecover. Reminiscing my past relationships, I thought I’m already a tough cookie… I thought manhid na ako sa mga heartbreaks. But I guess I’m wrong…

4th year college 1st sem, when I had my first boyfriend. It just lasted 4 months since he fell inlove with his classmate, at first he tried to deny it but then he admitted that he cheated. I begged for him not to leave me but he already chose the other girl. I was a scholar in FEU during those times and because of the breakup, my grades all went down and I lost the scholarship.  I thought hndi na ako makakabangon, but then I strived hard… ayoko iturn down parents ko. I focused on my studies and graduated as Cum Laude. After years, my first love and I had the chance to meet. He said the girl cheated on him. He was very sorry for breaking my heart and for leaving me. He tried to bring back the memories. But kasi nakarecover na ako sa kanya eh and dko na mafeel ung love ko sa kanya before.

My second relationship just lasted for 17 days. He also cheated on me and even told me “sorry kala ko kasi mahal kita eh”. After few months, he wanted me back but I turned him down since I heard from his friend that he was courting another girl. tsk tsk… sparing my heart from another heartbreak.

My third was the longest relationship I had, 6 years! Within that 6 years (though on and off), I felt I was truly loved by him. His loyalty was with me. Muntik na syang mapikot nung kapitbahay nyang 18 years old but he chose to stay with me. For the first time, I dumped a guy. Hindi ako sanay ng gnun but I have to.  Nagiging dependent kasi sya sakin… to the point na we always had a fight kapag dko sya binibigyan ng money. Haay gwin ba akong sugarmommy nya? No way!

The fourth love, I felt so inlove with him. He’s almost perfect… he’s sweet, intelligent, open minded, very nice and he’s very honest with me though masakit na yung mga sinsabi nya at hindi pabor sakin, sinasabi pa rin nya. The catch? He’s a family man. Yes, may asawa’t anak na sya. When I met him, he admitted na he has a son and he’s living with the mother. I accepted him since he said he doesnt love the girl. It’s also an on-off relationship. He always dumped me because he think one deserving man deserves my heart, sobrang bait ko daw kasi… but after few days/months he always comes back. However, after being happy, he shocked me and broke my heart by saying he decided to marry the mother of his son. I was so mad, andun na ako sa buhay nya why hindi ako ang pinili nya?! We separated and we reconciled (baliw di ba?) At the end, he proposed to me and ask me to wait for him. I turned him down, instead I told him to reconcile with his wife. I don’t wanna be the homewrecker at hindi mang-aagaw ang role ko dito sa mundo!

For the fifth, I can’t even remember gno kami katagal. What I could remember, puro pag-iyak ang ginawa ko during that relationship. Wla naman third party or whatsoever! I was not given importance! But recently lang, he tried to email me… apologizing sa pagbabalewala nya sakin before. I gave him my forgiveness and so happy for him that he found his right soulmate.

And lastly, my one and only Daddy…. to whom I devoted myself. Natatak ko na kasi sa utak ko na sya na gusto ko makasama habang buhay… he’s always in my prayers. But I guess, hindi ako yung gusto nya! He still want to search… and I’m not sure if babalik pa sya sakin. How I wish I could still feel his love… how I wish I could still kiss him… hug him… how I wish that someday I hear once again “I LOVE YOU, MOMMY!” Oh God, please grant my only wish… please…

In Sooo Much Pain…

It’s been almost two weeks since he decided to disown me, but still I consider myself still locked in the shadow of loneliness. Unlike my past relationships, eto yung pinakamahirap magmove on… maybe because kay Brianne ko naramdaman na sobrang nagmahal ako although we’re together for just 7 months. Do I deserve this so much pain? I lost weight (well, my unwanted fat on my tummy was gone) but super pumayat talaga ako. I can’t eat well, I can’t sleep, can’t focus on my job, I can’t smile… sakit na rin mata ko kakaiyak! Wala naman akong ginagawang masama sa kanya para parusahan nya ako ng ganito… I love him… I love him… I love him so much… and with this I hate myself! Coz it’s obvious that he no longer loves me at pinagsisiksikan ko pa sarili ko sa kanya! He already disowned me… I have done my first move but it seems balewala yun sa kanya. Tell me, should I continue this fight? or should I stop?